Okay. I’ll admit it. The only time I like to really sit down and jot down any thoughts seems to be when I am going through some of my worst emotions. I guess I have found that it has gotten harder for me to put it down in words as I have gotten older. I wonder why that is. I used to LOVE writing random rants and poems; filling pages upon pages daily.
It was nice to have a place to go hide from the world. A place where you could let out your inner-most demons with no one to tell you that how you are interpreting these things is wrong or , if you go to the darkest places, quite crazy. The problem I discovered with that is when someone DOES get a hold of your head you never know which way it will go. Some take it as what it is: an outlet. Others will take it very personally, and it has consequences of having to defend yourself from their insecurities.
So I decided instead of having this paper trail of memories and self-realization that I would keep 80% of it in my head and openly express the other 20%. In my worst of times, the scale tends to tip 40/60… and that’s when all Hell seems to break loose. I can’t help that I see the world the way I do. I can’t help that I still believe in Love. The one thing that I am very thankful for, though, is this… I can’t help that deep down inside there is only indifference. A terrible apathy that will only grow worse as I get older.
I still have this strange transgression in writing. When I was just a young mind, realizing that I would rather know WHY we do the things we do. Then it clicked. This is why I had to sit in that room and put together puzzles before I started school. This is why I was able to completely take apart and reassemble a VCR when I was 6 or so. Why I was reading Readers Digest in the Dentists office before I was even in kindergarten. It was all pieces that fall into place… and even though some pieces look the same they will have different shapes.
We all make this picture. We ARE the pieces. There are too many of us looking for the next piece of this grand scheme, thinking it is something other than what it is… US. I could go into more detail how this draws us together on a conscious level, but then we have to start understanding how it comes together before that is even a milestone to cross. For now, do me a favor… seperate the pieces. Don’t focus on the border pieces. It’s that pesky middle area you need to focus on.